Sun News Article

Posted on Mon, Dec. 12, 2005

Comfort for grieving parents

Christmas was a favorite time for Ross Alirie because he knew there would be cookies baking and stockings and ornaments to hang. "He was still a kid at Christmas," Myrtle Beach resident Jane Alirie said of her 28-year-old son. "He looked forward to getting and giving gifts." Unfortunately, Jane Alirie cannot have the one gift she would like this Christmas. On May 12, 2003, Ross Alirie ended his life.

"The death of a child is something you never get over," said Jane Alirie, who also has two grown daughters with husband Wayne Alirie. "People think after 2½ years you get over it, but you never do. Some people want to avoid Christmas all together. I kind of live in the memory of my child because I knew he loved Christmas. Every Christmas since his death, I buy an angel."

Holidays are a difficult time for anyone to deal with the lost of a loved one. Grief counselors and parents who have lost a child say it is extremely tough during the holidays because every sight and sound is heightened as memories of the child come to mind.

They say it is important for grieving parents to find outside support such as support groups and spiritual counseling to help them through those times, and to decide ahead of time what they feel comfortable doing during the holidays as well as what family traditions they want to continue or begin. It's also important to include siblings in the grief process.

"If people don't seek the help, it's going to create stress. This is the kind of thing that you cannot suppress for long," said John Fowler, a licensed independent social worker for Fowler Counseling Center in Conway. "If you do, you're going to experience stress, but most people will talk to others. They want to talk to others."

For Jane Alirie and Vonda Cox, talking with others has been helpful.

Alirie, who has six grandchildren, said family and friends can help parents cope with the grief by mentioning the child's name, bringing up the child in conversations, and not being embarrassed when parents cry.

She and Cox also have found it helpful getting outside support from the Waccamaw Chapter of Compassionate Friends, where parents come together to talk, laugh, hug and cry.

Compassionate Friends is a international, nonprofit organization that assists families in dealing with the grief after the death of a child of any age.

"The sad fact is that children die every day in this community, and people do not realize there's a support group in the area," Alirie said.

The Waccamaw Chapter of Compassionate Friends, which is strictly for parents, meets the first Tuesday of each month at the Grand Strand Senior Center. On Sunday, the local chapter had a candlelight service during a worldwide candlelighting ceremony for children who have died.

Sister Barbara Gentry, chaplain and grief counselor at Mercy Hospice of Horry County, said she recommends Compassionate Friends to parents who come to them looking for help.

"Every relationship is different and unique, even the mother and father relationship to the child," Gentry said. "One has a need to talk, one doesn't have a need to talk. That's why it's important to have an outside source to help them through their grief.

"It's also important to have someone else that's been through it and understands because it's pretty rare to lose a child," Gentry said. "It's the hardest loss, so they don't have a lot of people around them who understand."

Cox, who lives in Surfside Beach, lost her 19-year-old daughter, Jeremy Cox, in a one-car accident June 21, 2004, in Wyoming.

Jeremy, some friends and her older brother took a trip to Colorado and were on their way to California to see different bands perform when her best friend, who was driving, lost control of the car.

Cox said her musically talented daughter had a love for following rock bands, such as the Grateful Dead. Jeremy played the guitar herself, said Cox, who has four other children and five grandchildren.

At Compassionate Friends, Cox said everyone feels safe.

"It's OK not to be chipper," she said. "It's OK to cry. Nobody there is going to judge you. Compassionate Friends accepts you where you are in your grief. Just to know someone understood your pain was such a relief."

In addition to support groups, Fowler said some parents find it helpful to have family members around them who knew the child.

"Often times, spiritual help is the most comforting," Fowler said. "A lot of times, people want to talk to a minister."

Cox said her faith is what has been getting her through.

"I do not know how people who are not Christians make it through because my greatest comfort is knowing I will see [Jeremy] again because of God's love," Cox said."She knew how much I loved her."

Jane Alirie said Ross' death has made the family bond tighter. And has brought her daughters closer together.

Families should not concentrate on the deceased child so much that they forget about the living ones, she said.

Because of Ross' love for Christmas, Jane and her husband Wayne will continue to buy an angel each year to put on the Christmas tree.

"I have to believe he's at peace now," Jane Alirie said. "One day at a time."

The Waccamaw Chapter of Compassionate Friends meets at 6:45 p.m. on the first Tuesday of each month at the Grand Strand Senior Center, 1268 21st Ave. N. in Myrtle Beach. For information, call chapter leader Marie Peeling at 903-4466, or visit the Web site at www.tcfmyrtlebeach.com .

Recognize your own holidays. Holidays are not just at Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas or New Year's. They are those times when family and friends get together for fun. They may or may not be associated with one of the traditional days of celebration.

Be intentional about how you plan your holiday. Together, as a family, examine the events and tasks of the celebration and ask: Do we really enjoy doing this? Is it done out of habit, free choice or obligation? Is this a task that can be shared? Would the holiday be the same without it?

Decide what you can handle comfortably such as talking openly about your child, feeling able to send holiday cards or having someone else be responsible for the traditional family dinner, holiday parties and other activities.

Don't be afraid to make changes such as letting the children take over decorating the tree or burning a special candle to quietly include your absent son or daughter. It can make things less painful.

Your greatest comfort may come in doing something for others such as giving a gift to a meaningful charity in memory of your child.

Evaluate your coping plans. Do your plans isolate you from those who love and support you best? Do your plans allow for meaningful expression and celebration of what the particular holiday means for you?

Let your plans and limits be known to family and friends.

Don't be afraid to have fun.

As you seek to make sensible plans, remember to make them firm enough to support you, but flexible enough to leave you some freedom. Most important, take time in your plans to pray, to worship and to love and let yourself be loved.

Source: The Compassionate Friends Inc.

Contact JANELLE FROST at 443-2404 or jfrost@thesunnews.com .

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Posted on Mon, Dec. 12, 2005

Candles commemorate lives of loved ones lost too soon
By Janelle Frost
The Sun News

The room was filled with tears, remembrances and celebrations of lives lost.

Family members gathered Sunday night at the Carolina Ridge Clubhouse on 44th Avenue North in Myrtle Beach to display their dead children's pictures and mementos and honor their lives.

Five candles - representing grief, courage, memories, love and hope - were lit. In addition, each family also said their child's name and the date of death as they lit individual candles.

The candlelight ceremony of the Waccamaw Chapter of Compassionate Friends was held in conjunction with the Ninth Annual Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. The annual event is held the second Sunday in December.

Compassionate Friends is an international, nonprofit organization that assists families dealing with the grief after the death of a child.

"The candlelight ceremony is a time that we all can gather together and remember our children in a special way," said Marie Peeling, local chapter leader of Compassionate Friends.

Peeling's 22-year-old son, Keith Shepiro, died eight years ago. She said he was killed in a wreck.

For Gayle Highfill, the candlelight ceremony meant a great deal.

"I knew it was something I had to attend," she said.

For Highfill and her husband, Mitch Highfill, it was their first time attending the ceremony.

Their 26-year-old daughter, Kristin Highfill, died Sept. 17.

Kristin, a teacher in Virginia Beach, Va., was crossing the street when she was struck and killed.

It was a hit-and-run incident, they said.

Gayle Highfill, who has two other grown children, said the last few months have been difficult.

She said she plans to attend the local meetings of Compassionate Friends.

"I know that I need them," she said.